Ryder,
The closer we get to the holidays, the more likely I am to start an email to your parents, wording gently that I will be in Virginia over Christmas and would like to see you all. And then I get nervous and delete the email. Today I deleted it and then re-wrote it, only to delete it again.
The sooner I tell them I'll be in town, the longer they'll have to make excuses to not see me. I know this is ridiculous. I know it is. So call me paranoid. But I will do anything to make it more likely to be able to see you, and try not to do anything that makes it less likely to see you. Could I send them a random card in the mail? Should I reach out to your grandparents?
The closer we get to the holidays, the more likely I am to start an email to your parents, wording gently that I will be in Virginia over Christmas and would like to see you all. And then I get nervous and delete the email. Today I deleted it and then re-wrote it, only to delete it again.
The sooner I tell them I'll be in town, the longer they'll have to make excuses to not see me. I know this is ridiculous. I know it is. So call me paranoid. But I will do anything to make it more likely to be able to see you, and try not to do anything that makes it less likely to see you. Could I send them a random card in the mail? Should I reach out to your grandparents?
I found myself telling someone a couple weeks ago, "I don't know if I could survive another year without seeing him." Wow, what an admission. I'm stronger than that, aren't I? I mean, physically survive, sure, but sadly. Meakly. I want so badly to see your smile, to hear your laughter. More admittedly, I want you to see me. Maybe if you see me just once a year, you're less likely to forget me.
"...less likely to forget me..." I guess... yeah, that is one of my greatest fears.
I need to sit with that. Be present to it.
I'm in public, but the tears still well up.
Mama Anne
