My Little Man,
I never was good at spending time by myself. For as long as I can remember, I was an extrovert, a care-giver, and I really didn't like being alone... ever. There are certain emotions people end up having to face when they spend time alone and I had always preferred to avoid those thoughts and feelings.
Well if there is anything that moving out has given me plenty of: it's time to myself.
And that has made me confront a lot of things: memories, feelings, dreams---and their corresponding fears.
The truth is: I'm getting to the point in my life that I want to have a child, but I'm terrified you'll resent me for that.
I only gave birth to you and made the choice to give you away just a little more than three years ago! I haven't accomplished anything else that my family wished I would before I had children (finishing my degree was one of the main "reasons" my mother encouraged adoption) and I'm single; but I realize all that is supererogatory in a way. Committed partnerships can be great, but not necessary for being a great mother. I'm now have much more sustained happiness and a healthy, focused solidarity alone than I ever had with a man.
I've thought about the possibility of foster care (specifically taking in a child with autism to guide them through reversal/recovery), but that may make matters worse--would I be setting myself up for emotional breakdowns every time the child would go back to his natural parent or be adopted by someone else? But then again it may be good for me....
I think, more than anything, I crave motherhood because I know what I'm missing.
...but then my thoughts return to you, and I think about the possibility of it hurting your feelings when I have other children with whom I DO get to spend all my time, and it breaks my heart.
I hope you will be able to forgive me.
Mama Anne
