Ryder,
I'd give my life right now if it meant that the last 24 hours of it could be with you, as mother and son.
The first Mothers' Day without you I happened to be in San Diego. I flew here to see friends on my way up to San Francisco for a job interview at a pre-school for children with autism. That morning your 'Mom' actually called to say Happy Mothers' Day, and to see how I was. I suppose because technically your firstfather and I were still living together (although honestly no longer in love with each other) I had a sense of stability; because I was traveling, I was distracted; and because she woke me up that morning with that thoughtful call, it started my day off right.
The second Mothers' day without you I was... actually in San Diego! My ex and I flew here to check out housing options because he had recently been ordered to take the surgical residency program in San Diego. So once again, the day went pretty smoothly because I was very happy in my relationship with a strong man to support me and we were traveling. But that day I didn't hear from your 'parents'. Around four o'clock Mountain time I finally called them and, well, you know the story from a previous letter: your 'Dad' answered and although I made it clear that I called to wish your 'Mom' a Happy Mothers' Day, he never handed the phone to her.
This year, my life fell apart. Again. I happen to be in San Diego, again, during this holiday; but this year I face the harsh pain these holidays entail for firstmoms like me. I have no longer have a strong man to wrap his arms around me when I cry because I miss you. I'm nearly three thousand miles away from my family and your birthfather, so the most they can do is wish me the best. I don't have you, or stability, or a place to call home. I've become a wanderer, alone and without my child. This year, I have not heard from you 'parents' at all. I sent them a card a few days ago, but certainly not early enough that they realize the polite thing to do would be to send one back to me, maybe even with a few photos of your precious face. Actually I haven't heard from them in four months, when your 'Mom' quickly "texted" me three photos of you, without even the decency to say "hello." And before that it was a postcard with your family around Santa, one of those mass mailings they love to do.
I am appreciative of the photos, believe me, I live by them! I "hide" them in random places where I'm likely to "find" them often: as a bookmark in whatever I'm reading, in my planner, in a purse I don't use that often, etc. They sustain me. Your face is my "happy place" I return to for just a few seconds a day to clear my mind and feel like I've done something good in my life. I can NEVER get enough of your photos. [Which is why I got so upset over your adoptive grandparents saying they "lost" all the photos of our day together when you turned two.]
However, I will say there is one catastrophic downside to only getting to see new pictures of you every four to six months. It elaborates how much time I'm missing. It's hard to see and appreciate how a child grows when you see them every day. See them a couple times a year, however, and it's shocking. I still remember exactly how your toes looked at three days old. At this rate, by the tenth time I see you, your feet will be bigger than mine. It's startling to think of things in that way. It's like fast forwarding time. It's unnatural. I'm a fool for choosing this life.
So it's even harder to get photos only a couple times a year, especially these days when it takes less than ten seconds to pose, take, and send a photo to anyone of your choice. Sometimes I sit down and write an email to your 'Mom' to ask, "How often do you send photos of Ryder to your mother that you don't send to me???" And then hold down the top right key on my laptop and watch as the cursor slowly skips in a backwards direction deleting each letter, each word, until only the blank white box remains.
One of these days I will ask. One of these days I will remember that your healthy relationship with your natural mother is more important than they can conceive, and I will convince them that this healthy relationship begins with mutual trust and sharing of precious moments between your parents. All four of them.
So until I am blessed with an other snap shot of your handsome face, I will be waiting, dreaming of how much it's changed since the last time I saw it.
I miss you so much, my Love.
I really would give anything to spend this day with you.
Eternally,
Your Mama Anne
